Hot Chocolate

Something interesting is taking place within the core of my being and it's rather unsettling yet somehow hauntingly beautiful. 

I feel like I've made contact with an alien being as I'm going through a whole new range of emotions,  unlike any I've experienced before.

And, whatever is emerging now is doing so because it wanted to and is doing so on its own terms.  Interesting.  Now I can more clearly see what it must feel like to be diagnosed with multiple personalities.

I am in some sort of malaise yet, at the same time, feeling ruffled and disgruntled, angry, rattled and rebellious.  I hear Z-Nation playing in the background and for some reason it is very comforting to me so I'm going to leave it on.  I could never quite get the hang of The Walking Dead.  You know the part I love so much about Z-Nation?  --it's the wonderful and creepy music in the background.

Note:  There is so much we do not know about the human psyche.  There is so much we don't know about human beings.  Hell, we haven't even scratched the surface yet.

And through my own meandering, my own solitary wanderings in a dark place I am now more firmly convinced that all of us are layers of experiences which then give way to emotions which then give way to memories and sit, one on top of the other like layers of jello in a parfait glass.  These places are then locked away and lie dormant for years until they're awakened by some mysterious force.  

Okay, back to what I'm feeling now... I want to run away and hide in the corner of a quaint and cozy French cafe with green shutters and savory smells of coffee and pastry where I can indulge in a hot chocolate or savor a deep dark espresso and wait for Gerard Depardieu (one of my all time favorite  actors) to make an appearance.

Gerard Depardieu

Or, I'll just saunter down the street and into the old library with the hundreds of dusty books on the shelves with the floor to ceiling windows and musty tapestries and the small sitting rooms and the smell of old things and have a smoke, watching it curl into soft fronds in the still air while somber and stealth afternoon shadows creep across the floor.          

Maybe I'll go up to my hotel room and order fresh baked, buttery and flaky croissants and a bottle of $500.00 red wine vintage (very old) and Roquefort Cheese and a tart and sweet jelly as I lean out the window watching the traffic and pedestrians coming and going below.       

Or, maybe I'll go out and buy that Range I've had my eye on all these years, you know, the one with all the bells and whistles so I can cook to my heart's content or maybe I'll fall for that beautiful French blue one that stirs up memories from other incarnations.     

I'm disappearing, like a ghost who feels no longer welcome anymore.

I'm here but I'm not here.   

I'm softly folding in on myself and it doesn't hurt but feels like home.

Is this what it feels like to be crazy??????

Is this what it feels like to meet an alien from another planet?????

If so it's beginning to feel like normal whatever normal is.

Maybe crazy is what being normal is all about.  Food for thought???