Sunday, August 21, 2016

Fear Not

Depression, a word that most of us fear but I think many of our fears surrounding this may be unfounded, up to a point.

Right now I am experiencing depression, a feeling of impending doom, of losing something or someone, a surrealistic I don't know mixture of emotion, maybe it was the medication my Dr. prescribed or maybe it was a reaction to something else.  

In either case it doesn't matter as I'm experiencing the symptoms and they are causing anxiety and fear.

I've had bouts of depression before--a deep darkness that smothers you like a heavy blanket, no light can penetrate and you just have to be patient for it to pass.

Now this seems pretty extreme but I believe depression, in some forms, is actually a form of cleansing, a process in which you are able to get rid of something that needs to go, something that has been weighing you down.

After it's gone you feel cleansed and refreshed.

The depression I'm experiencing this time though is something I've not experienced before.

It's like something has decided it wants to get in touch with me or I've decided it's time I want to get in touch with it.

It's like there's two of me.  Two halves and they just got to meet one another.  

In either case this is one hell of an experience and really one I wouldn't one to go through again.

I feel like I'm actually shedding part of my skin (like a snake) and in the process a part of me is being exposed and it hurts (like a torn cuticle); one I never new existed and emerging complete with a new sensory awareness, an acute and totally new cutting edge technology, a state of the art situational awareness radar with a set of perfectly attuned antennae in which I have somehow risen above myself and others in an altered state, looking down from another planet, seeing with a new set of eyes, hearing with a new set of ears, deciphering with a new brain as I feel like a sharpened razor, able to hone in on the smallest sounds, hear the most subtle tones and swiftly decipher fleeting looks on faces with uncanny ability.

I find my temper is short and answers are nowhere to be found; why, why, why?  tears are flowing like rain.

I am worried about today; I am worried about tomorrow; I am worried about my friends, my family, animals, the planet, will we all make it to the end of the week, will we all make it to the end of the YEAR???

I can't stand up, I can't sit down.  I am pacing back and forth.

It's like I've just stepped over a threshold and been given this new and frightening heightened ability and I don't like it because I don't even know what it is let alone even know how to handle it.

This must be what it feels like to be an alien.

The other thing I'm noticing is, if I do allow myself to calm down and don't fight the fear and anxiety but let it progress through me, I am able to analyze it to a certain extent.

This is the interesting part...I fear how I'm feeling yet a part of me is very curious because I've never felt this before.

It's the unknown.

What if I just relax and let it take its course...where will it take me?  Where will I end up?

It's like being an astronaut on her space mission.  You've been through all the drills, you been through all the tests; you know the risks yet you're still willing to go.

It's like I'm the patient but I'm also the Dr.

Actually, I'm both -- the two intertwined together--Interesting.

After posting this I'm feeling a little better.

     I just found this link that will help with those suffering from depression.  I hope it helps...